Well i’ve for filled one of my promises to mum and for once i plan to keep her she is so so gorgeous maybe she is a little scared but if she learns to trust me i can make her feel wonderful and really happy she just has to relax and trust me, nothing shocks me and a passed is a passed a new relationship can change things if she is willing to give it a go. Plus she needs to learn i won’t leave here regardless of what she thinks.
Its earlier days but i promise her i will make her happy if she does the same for me! I can’t wait?
Have this feeling i’m upsetting people yet again and me having this wise idea to be a part of groups that are going on maybe wasn’t that wise maybe i should have stuck to my original plan and stayed well away from everything every time i try to explain how i feel i mix everything up and make myself look even more of a fool. Much like the comedian Norman Wisdom once sang about!
I’m not doing to well anymore I’ve always been the clown and that is what everyone knows me as i used to enjoy being a part of all that was going on around me now i just want to be as far away as possible but then went I’m far away i just want to be even further away.
I have all these dreams but I’ll never be able to for fill them and the thing i was once told my life would be a disaster waiting to happen. so i became the local clown to hide the dreams and i enjoy it.
I wish mum was still here up to now i seem to be making a mess out of everything i have tried to complete mums bucket list for me
- Join some groups and gain some friends instead of paying for them all the time (you only gain friends Glynn when someone is short on cash, that isn’t friends that’s you being used like always.
She was right but who really wants to be around someone that only has three interests all of which you can only do on my own.
- Find yourself a girlfriend who you can either look after or be looked after by because your lonely on your own, you mop around you get used by everyone and you just accept this as being how life is, its not how it is find someone you love being with who regardless of anything someone that makes you happy, learn that not every woman likes gifts or flowers. If you find someone that makes you feel nice inside pursue her she is worth it, she might not like your constant childish mishaps but this is you. you aren’t good at saying what you feel for some reason you are scared of what someone will say, I know you have never sent anyone a valentines gift or card because your scared of what they will say. everyone see’s my Glynn as heartless they don’t see the loneliness and the sadness that i have over the years from you watching others and you always getting the angry response from any young lady that you send something nice to..
- Next year send a valentines gift to a lady you like if they become angry its not your fault,
I promised mum i would find a girlfriend but what do i do with them, i can’t really put her on the mantle piece can i and who will want to cuddle and kiss me who will want to hold my hand who will accept my health problems. and who the hell will live with my memory issues like i do.
I try so hard but still make a mess, I’m chasing air dreams chasing something that isn’t going to happen and wanting to be a part of something just so i can gain friends.
I have fallen for a young lady she is one very gorgeous princess i sent her something and upset her on, she had told me she wasn’t ready for anything now but as usual i ignored it. unfortunately i did what i was good at and roared any chance i ever thought i might have, she is beautiful though she is kind and caring and i bet loving if i ever get a chance to find out.
I know she is busy and i know i don’t always make life easy for her, but if she knew what i thought maybe i wouldn’t feel so embarrassed by my mistakes. She dresses so beautiful i wonder if she realizes that I’d love to find a quiet corner where no one comes and just give her a passionate kiss. To hold her and just kiss her for a very longtime, she will either break my nose or go rather blushed and hold my hand, i think it will be the first though. I enjoy doing the photography for her but wouldn’t do this for another person who asked its only because this young lady as asked I’m willing to help.
Up to now every time i try to arrange to come to a event she is running to take photos i end up needing to do something else then i can’t get for the whole event its getting so annoying and it don’t help that my health is deteriorating at the same time and I’m finding it more difficult to be mobile. this fuking walking stick i have now is becoming a fukin pain the arse I’m never going to get the hang of walking with it to take the weight of my left knee cap.
Mums headstone has been put up today it looks wonderful
Mum has gone and I so badly wanted her to live to see me marry someone and have a family i won’t see her smile when i acheive something or when i have a family i won’t be able to let mum meet them and i will never be able to explain how i feel to anyone again, I am as lonely now as ever and wish happiness would come my way.
I’ve done something silly which means the one person that made me smile and i trusted probably won’t come anywhere near me now. this person is lovely but maybe my fingers type before i think about how it will make someone feel or how i upset people without realising it.
If only i’d trust myself and wouldn’t keep expecting to be made to be a fool all the time sadly i’m starting to fall back into the shell i used to be in i’m starting to hide from people again as every time i make a appearance i seem to make a mess of things. 2017 is going to be a year where i go back to hiding from life again, because who really wants to know a person like me.
I would love just once in my life to actually treat someone on valentines day, throughout my who 43 yrs i’ve never ever received a valentine or dared to ask anyone, because i’m terriffied that they will say no…
Thought i might add a photo which is on my phone and is the last photo i had with my mum. taken on the 21st of August 2016.
Valerie Ann Finney
06/10/1942 to 11/10/2016
Well its 2017 and my lifelong friend has gone its been a strange christmas just me and dad no tree up or decerations just the TV and laptop and thats it, christmas will never be the same again i’m alone on my own now the person that made christmas special and loved it as much as i did has gone.
Me and dad visit mums grave once or twice a week, when i feel lonely i go on my own i miss her so much if only i had someone to share my life with but all i have now is me, dad has his memories and photos and friends and family he can talk about and to i just have a photo on my phone and the memories of helping hospital staff to communicate and allow mum to enjoy the last few months of her life.
I so badly wanted her to live to see me marry someone and have a family i won’t see her smile when i acheive something or when i have a family i won’t be able to let mum meet them and i will never be able to explain how i feel to anyone again, I am as lonely now as ever and wish happiness would come my way.
Valerie Ann Finney my dignified and loving mum who stuck up for me throughout my life passed away peacefully at Hinckley And Bosworth Community Hospital. Surrounded by us all on the 11th October 2016 at 10.15pm.
R.I.P mum I love you so so much I could never say it to your face I made lots of mistakes over the years but you stuck by me regardless.
I will miss you thank you for being the most perfect mum in the world for accepting my chooses and never ignoring me.
My legacy to you is to save your beloved western park school and the memories you had of me.
Well my blog entry is a sad one, my mum is currently a in patient of the Leicester Royal Infirmary she has been since 11th March 2016, and has been a patient of ward 37 where she has been getting better with up’s and down’s however over the last 24 hrs she has become quite poorly which has resulted in the Dr’s making the decission to move her to a high dependancey unit on ward 16 today 10th April 2016.
Mum is 73 years old she has AF, Secondary Heart Failure, CKD, and several other problems which for nearly 65 years have caused her no problems at all. As the older son i have been mums (Valerie Ann Finney) primary carer for the past 4 and half years i’ve seen the good days and bad days, i’ve enjoyed lots of fun times and lots of hard times to.
She says she is proud of my work as a hospital volunteer she says i care to much about others and let others walk all over me, but she knows i love what i do, she know’s i would like to become a HCA or something within the hospitals instead of working on computers all my life.
Currently mum is holding her own her kidneys are only functioning at 11% her potassium is 6.3 her sodium is 131 her Sugar levels were 33.9 she went for a CT Scan of her head at 11am and transfered to ACB on AMU ward 16 at 12.30pm today.
Things aren’t looking good from my view but dr’s say different and althought its early days they think she will be ok, Something tells me she is going to fight hard!
Since Christmas my mum val has been a inpatient of university hospital’s of Leicester NHS trust at Leicester Royal infirmary so far she has been on every older persons ward but she is starting to become more unwell. She now has CKD her function is now 7% but 5 months ago it was 43%.
Slowly her body is giving up but her heart is still strong and regardless of how upset she gets with me I will continue to keep calm and deal with her as I would with and other older patient who I visit and take care of even though she is my mum.
At 2am this morning she called pleading with me that she wanted to come home that she was well and didn’t need to be in hospital, I wonder if she really does know how unwell she actually is!
What will I do if she goes how will I continue to do the things I do how will I keep the smiley face and happy calming voice knowing I couldn’t keep her calm and smiling. I love her to bits dispirte her moans, she is always proud and happy in what I do and wants me to be happy but I’m struggling to find that one thing to fill that gap. Although she did like one person so maybe that person will find it in her heart to love me again.
Either way I need to keep strong and keep going and be the person she wants me to be.
Well i’m single and have been since novemeber i’ve been keeping it quiet to stop the “Told you so’s” i don’t need it. it seems i think more of my parents than i to them and they are not a clown. I surspose my sarcastic comment of “Can i borrow your Red Nose Please” didn’t make the situation any better. But i couldn’t help it and had to say it.
O Well back to the single market again, sometimes think this is me for life i do fancy someone but two factors are against me again, 1 they are younger, 2 They aren’t interested.
thats how it goes and that’s how its always going to be i think.
Mum is in hospital again and she is called calling saying she unhappy and not getting help when she domands it, as i said to her if you domand you will get nothing its not fair that i get the blame for things when its not my fault. What can i do about things if staff won’t listen to her or are busy dealing with other patients she isn’t the only person on a 47 bed ward.
I wish sometimes i wasn’t the main carer for her she stresses me out and that means i can’t concentrate on stuff and could make mistakes its not fair!!!