Well today isn’t a good day, i’m really tired and really lonely and unfortunately horny dam meds are playing up again, it took me 45 minutes to have a shower this afternoon had to keep sitting to have a rest before i could continue. People never see this part of respiratory conditions the weather gets colder and our bodies become weaker but while we are out in public we try to show that we are normal.
I could sleep for 10 years i think but haven’t slept for 2 nights now but feel tired i installed blackberry messenger android onto my samsung galaxy s4 phone last night signed up for a pin of 5910E06A and sort to add my pin to many websites to see if i could find some friends and maybe a girlfriend but who will take a always horny 41 yr old techy with his head in websites and his mind in another world.
unfortunately i don’t think many somehow, i was reading that depression is classed as a mental illness yet another thing to add to my list, i’ve added this blog and website to my twitter bbm site and have had some people add my pin but think once they read this they might remove me..
all i really want is someone to love me someone to care about me and someone who wants me for me regardless of everything.
This morning i woke up and came down stairs clear the bins have my medication and make myself a cuppa then come and sit in the lounge only to be told its about time i did something useful and stopped getting up late and start doing something useful.
So all the empting the bins and getting mums meds isn’t useful i give fucking up then when i say i’m going out later to fix someones computer i get dad saying i never do anything for them, i’m always out helping others then in the next breath why don’t you find some friends and go out then he says but not on the days when we are doing something as we might need you.
What he really means is if we are asleep you can do whatever but while we aren’t we want you here, then someone says you need to go out and make friends stop feeling lonely, i’ve had thousands of friends over the years and all have gone they don’t want to know hence why i’m alone hence why i have this blog.
You all live your perfect lives but when your the only person around who is actually interested in making sure others are ok, because your younger brother doesn’t want to know unless someone goes into hospital or dies don’t really help. He is to busy he has a life as i’ve been told over and over again.
Well thats all the adult site accounts closed i have never visited or believe in porn sites so don’t even go there!!!
Well my morning was ok but the reset of the day has been boring was keyholder for as a trustee for the disability charity i’ve been a member with all my life, opened the building up for Whiz Kids to have there weekend club. I’m glad to have been of service to them today they are most welcome and a very happy crowd of young people.
So finished doing that and have been at home since trying to setup yet another idea i have for a website it seems to be working ok so tonight i’m sitting here writing my blog with a bag of Phileas fogg american bubble chips and wondering what i can do mum and dad are sitting munching away and watching strictly come dancing what a crap and boring show, but i have to sit here and watch it because i’m seen as ignorant if i don’t thing is in a hours time they will be fast asleep and i’ll still be sitting here bored as hell.
It would be lovely right now to be sitting with a girlfriend having a cuddle and kiss and watching a film or just having a chat would be so nice, unfortunately they are just air dreams other people have all that and i have nothing i get to the same point and never get past to another stage i meet someone i get to know them, then they end it, normally its when they found out more about my medical condition and realise i could be a problem sooner or later.
No one realises its my condition my problem yes it does limit everything i do and yes i could just go in hours but that would be my choose, when will someone realise all i want is 1 thing to be happy to have someone to talk to when my depression kicks in i refuse to take medication to conseal it because that’s all it does conseal it don’t fix it, if people understood the reasons maybe they would understand more but most don’t read or understand they just avoid and walk aways.
I plod along with a happy smile and would help anyone but no one helps me they don’t see whats happening behind the smile they don’t want to know apparently i shouldn’t be working with vunrable people i should be allowing to be a part of society these people don’t understand that what i do keeps me from having to sit and think i want to forget i want to be someones special person be part of something for 35 yrs i’ve been upstairs in my room working on my computer, waking up in the morning at 8 am coming downstairs taking my medication and a drink and then going back upstairs to work on my computer until 7pm at night then coming downstairs to be socialable and sit with my laptop as i’m doing now and do nothing much.
Life is fun for those around me my life is boring and people don’t come and visit anymore because mum and dad don’t like people visiting they don’t know.
O well will see whats on facebook and then i don’t know what might see if my lonely hearts ads have been answered, yep i’m sad but i’ve been trying to be happy since i was 19 i’m 41 now and still nowhere, i don’t have the skills to keep someone long enough to find out what love is like. Just wish things would change i would love to send flowers to someone buy them gifts see them smile have a kiss and cuddle and just hold hands and be accepted but i can’t even get to that point.
I give up and people moan when i sware on this blog this is my blog don’t like it then do what others do many times over.
So today all the memebership end with all the websites i’ve been a member of for the last month even that idea didn’t work, thought i might find someone to love me if i was a member of the adult sites,
you know what i give totally up my world is getting even more smaller as i go alone everyone things i’m boring and more and more people are unfriending me on facebook.
I wish sometimes this disease of mine would do its worst and just end it I’ve never had anyone to love me for me no one to hold me close to kiss me to fuck me my dreams of having a family are now zero medication has done that, i don’t drink or smoke and have never been invited anywhere in my life i even went the cinema on thursday on my own purely i was totally bored.
I learn to drive and have my own car so that i can go and meet people but can’t even do that, i don’t know how to ask someone out or even what is classed as out, all i really ever wanted in life is to love someone to have a family and be happy and all that i’ve ended up with is me on my own really lonely and wondering what its like to be happy.
It’s funny how you can make people believe your really happy when deep don’t you really aren’t and you can’t tell anyone because no one listens or wants to know. I’m not a perv or a lier or dishonest i want to love i want to kiss and cuddle i want to hold hands and fuck without limits but i can’t even do that.
Best to stick to what i know best and die the lonely man i will always be, would love to find just 1 young lady that really really would love to be treated nice who would love to receive inexpensive gifts and loads of flowers and chocolates and who would love to kiss cuddle and fuck for hours..
Absolutely no chance in hell but hey!
Well my day hasn’t been a great 1 but that’s how it goes! Although I did meet a very beautiful woman today.
She was drop dead gorgeous tbh but unfortunately I wouldn’t dare ask her out or even know hw to. I’m to afraid and scared of the response. I’ve started looking for a friend’s with benefits who would be happy to get to know me and have some adult naughtiness with me.
Put a ad online really don’t know why I did it had three escorts Txt me. I don’t want that I want someone to get to know me someone to chat with have a kiss and cuddle with have some open minded naughtiness with as these days new meds mean I’m so dam horny.
Probably I’ll always be the loner I am now no body wants someone who is different no woman wants to receive flowers or chocolates or big teddies. No one wants to hold hands and kiss. I want all that if only I could find a young lady like that someone who may be is separated or divorced. Someone that has kids and just want to be loved like me.
She was lovely though very very much?
Sometimes i think its not worth it but then sometimes you have a good day and things change, been volunteering but still thinking about calling it quites as its just starting to become to much for me started a new inhalar last work called spireva which is a inhalar normally used to help patients with enphorsima and severe asthma is rare cases like mine.
How do i explain to shifa my volunteer colleague that life just isn’t getting any easier for me and i’m finding it more and more difficult to 1 get the energies an 2 the motivation to work some wednesdays, this disease just isn’t how people see it Shifa has become a seriously good friends she is always interested and always trying to help but unfortunately help isn’t what i need.
What i really need is a new set of lungs or to get rid of 41 years of steriods out of my body and some upto date research into new drugs to replace this 1 drug, every bit of research available has always worked around the issue in question “finding a replacement drug for such a potent and deadly drug” this drug don’t give patients like me a option now after 41 years i can’t live without it the massive array of side effects are what are causing the problems now for me. the fatige the constant tiredness and the need to just rest all the time as well as the depression and thousands of other side effects people not even shifa will ever see because i won’t allow her to see how things really are.
If i did that i think she would be out the door as fast as she came in just like thousands of other friends have done other the years. at the minute my depression is giving me more and more issues and i’m not even going to ask my GP for medication to fix it as last time it scrambled my brains so not giving it a chance to boil my head any further.
With post again tomorrow i’m off to what PAN at the cinema i know that my cost of the ticket will be worth it Great Ormand Street Hospital with receive some of money. which they deserve. I was a patient of GOSH when i was 3 month old and was finally referred to a adult hospital when i was 19. i own them so so much and have always side i would like to go back and see how its changed over the years since i left and meet my former consultant and just say THANK YOU.
Don’t think i’d ever do that in my lifetime but i owe them so so much. so watching Pan is my thank you but so is anything relating to GOSH.
well the loneliness is getting to me today i’m watching everyone around me happy and enjoying life and all i see for me is nothing no future and constantly heading into a black hole, Thursday i’m boring the car i’m heading to the odean to watch PAN but might just fuck off to no where i just want to find someone to make me happy someone to love me for me and someone who won’t judge me.
Dad had my last night something about i can talk to him about anything unfortunately i didn’t really listen to have and he don’t understand all he does it for is because he knows there is no one to do all his scivey work if i’m not there no one to make mum a cupa no one to go get this go get that. while he sits on the sofa fast asleep
I’m seeing how long i can last without having a shave i’ll post a pic and you can decided what you think, plus it will find out how many are actually viewing my blog sometimes think no one reads this site.
Today i feel rubbish got up at 7.50am and came downstairs and had my medication and a cupa then sat here in the chair, but feel totally crap i’ve got a taste in my mouth which is simular to that you would get if you allow paracetamol to mealt on your tongue my stomach feels like its been hit by a brick and i feel more tired than i did when i went bed at 11pm last night. I feel so alone too wish i was as happy as i used to be.
just logged onto Adultfriendsfinder.co.uk and nympho.co.uk purely cos i have joinedd them looking for a partner/girlfriend who can keep up with my high sex drive, been a member for just over 11 years on and off and still never found anyone tbh i’m not interested in the sex drive thing really i just want to find someone to spend my life with someone that isn’t interested in my bank balance but is interested in being my friend and lover and girlfriend.
Someone that i can hold and cuddle and kiss and go cinema with or walk in the park or have my first picnic with or go to a theme park something i’ve never done or go on holiday with just do thing normal people do.
Yes i really do want to get married and have a family but i know that is highly unlikely almost ever woman i meet is happy to be my friend am i doing something wrong if i send them flowers or gifts i like to treat you as the princess you are i like to be really naughty to, what am i doing wrong why don’t anyone want me why am i on the shelf and why does everyone want to roan my life.
someone suggested i should stop feeling sorry for myself and get up and move on if it was that easy do you think i would be there now, do i look that stupid, probably i do!!!
So the arsehole that said life is but a breeze needs to take his head out his/her arse and think again, sometimes i wonder if these idiots actually have a life or are robots programmed to make things look so easy.
I woken up this morning feeling shit and i feel even more crap than then this morning now, i wonder if sleeping for a decade might help.